Cyberpope

In 1059, Pope Nicholas II decreed that any baptized male could be elected Pope by a conclave. That means there is a theoretical (and I mean theoretical in the way one might hypothesize about real blue flying monkeys) that the coming conclave might elect me to be the next Pope.

Now, since you are not likely to ever witness this in your lifetimes, here is a record of my papacy.

• April 20, 2005:My election as Pope. I don the vestments, take the name Fredus Flinstonum I... no scratch that, I must be somewhat more reverent... Augustine I in honour of my favourite theologian.


• July 25, 2005: I preside over my first World Youth Day as Pontiff, with the distinction of being the first Pope to play his guitar with the choir instead of celebrating Mass. All the kids buy my first album release as Pontiff, entitled "The Pope Kicks Amy Grant's Butt."


• August 14, 2005: My first encyclical, Veni, Vidi, Vici. Its actually an encyclical about the ethics of golfing, but because my latin is so weak, I decide to quote Caesar.
• August 25, 2005: Using my new powers of speaking infallibly Ex Cathedra from the chair of St. Peter, I proclaim that my elder daughter is required, on pain of excommunication, to babysit while I take my wife out for our anniversary to a nice Chinese restaurant.