Cyberpope (Part ii)

• September 2, 2005 In the interests of building on the legacy of John Paul ii and fostering amity between Catholics and Jews (and because she was the first announced supporter of my Papacy), I override the authority of the local Jesuit ordinary and appoint Irina dean of Fordham. From this point forward, she would be free to call the profs into the office and call them on the carpet for any marks below... well, I'm not a micromanaging Pope. That's up to her...
• September 11, 2005 My second encyclical Bin Laden Grossi Idiota Lardum Est (Bin Laden is a Big Fat Idiot) is meant to be a crowd pleaser over in the US, because I am advised I have to loosen the Peter's Purse-strings. Some of my Cardinals complain that my papacy thus far has been lacking in its spiritual dimension. I promise to hit one out of the park on my next encyclical. Cardinal Ortega sighs, mumbling, 'they were never this strange when we only picked Italians...'
• October 2, 2005 I release my inspirational autobiography, Crossing the Threshold of Pope, in which I go on for two hundred pages about how prepared a dozen years of computer programming has left me for sheperding a billion sheep in the Catholic fold. I suspect my audience to be a little underwhelmed, but I get to see Cleveland on the book tour.
• November 12, 2005 I decide to have Neil Young beatified for his birthday. My auxilliary bishop explains to me that he has to have been credited with a miracle in order for me to do this. I point out one - he actually sings on key and has his guitar in tune for 'Harvest Moon.' So they canonized him instead.
• November 24, 2005 Deciding to one-up President Bush's annual Thanksgiving pardoning of a would-be Butterball, I try to have Joaquin Navarro announce that I am going to administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation to a turkey. The Curia talk me out of it. How was I to know they didn't baptize the turkeys?
• December 2, 2005 I wake up. What is Bobby Ewing doing in my shower?