I ache

How I long to tell someone how much I hurt. Where do I turn? I can't go to my family. They all hurt too; if possible, more than I do. They need me to console; I have to live up to St. Francis prayer with this. And I can't just run sobbing to a friend. What friend can be comfortable with bearing that? Oh please Lord Jesus, hold me up in my grief. Make me a better monument to the love my family shares.

We had a couple of road trips planned, her family and ours (their daughter is grown and working now, but she always tried to make it back for the road trips.) We were going to round Lake Superior one summer. One year, we would drive up to Hudson's bay. She really wanted to drive down the Florida Keys, and I was her co-conspirator on that part. :-)

A year ago, my brother in law made all the arrangements to shock her with a "surprise wedding" for their 25th anniversary. He and my wife took care of everything - dress, shoes, veil, the church, getting all the relatives into town unnoticed. He pretended to get a phone call from my wife saying that our basement was flooded, and they trundled over here with the shop vac (unbeknownst to her, filled with her makeup and jewelry.) She was caught completely by surprise. She was so happy that day. I was the cantor at the wedding, and I wrote them a song (out of the Song of Solomon for the sung Psalm.) It breaks my heart that I am now going to be singing that song again, so soon, at a very different event at that same church. I do not know if I can even get through it.

My poor brother in law - he is trying so hard to be strong, and comfort others. She was his life. Hearing him cry when they came back from the hospital was the most heartbreaking sound I have ever heard.

This is so very hard.